I Don't Know If It Helps
by SG1 Animal
Summary: MerDer.. lovely dovey stuffy Oh, the title.. It's something my Mum says.. if I'm upset she always says "I don't know if it helps, but I love you." I think that is quite relevent to MerDer, because sometimes, all they have is the love.. and a huge mess!
1. I Am Who I Am

**A/N: Hello! I'm back with a GA story. Okay.. updates will be short.. it's like.. about 21 chapters tho this story.. and over 15000 words.. so. just bear with it.. hopefully you'll like it. Anyway.. Read.. Review.. Enjoy the Ride.. **

**Take Care**

_**p.s If you haven't heard of Ben's Brother, they are a very cool Brit Band.. Just like my Gilmore Girls story each chap is named after a song, and has a sample of lyrics that set the mood for each chap.. **_

_**I obviously don't own GA or any of the lyrics I use.. if only I was that talent.. and rich.. :o)

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_**Why do you dream, and see me as something I not?**_

_**Why don't you wake up and see all the good things you've got?**_

**I Am Who I Am by Ben's Brother**

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"Seattle." I state decisively. 

"What?" asks Mark, confused.

"I'm going to Seattle. Richard said he'd make room for me. So I'm going. I don't want to stay here. Seattle." I say, admittedly I am rambling a bit. Maybe due to the amount of liquor I've put back over the last few hours, but I think that I'm allowed to be pissed. In the circumstances. He stares at me intently. I can see why he might find this a little weird. We've both put the best part of a bottle of scotch back between us, and we're sat in his condo 5 blocks from my home. My home where 4 hours ago I walked in to find my wife in the 'throws of passion' with some Doctor from the hospital. So after all that I've already made a decision to move halfway across the country, whilst drunk.

"Seattle?" Mark, my best friend since forever, basically my brother, asks.

I swirl my tumbler of scotch round, the ice clinking against the glass, and nod. "Richard said he'd make space on the team for me. Ever since he left for Seattle Grace he has been ringing me, begging for me to go there. And I admit, I always wanted to. Addison held me back. Now I have no ties, I can go work for him. He's my mentor, and was yours, you know why I want this."

Mark nods and silently contemplates my words. I see the light in his eyes change and suddenly he's in motion. He knocks back his tumbler of scotch, and slams the empty glass onto the breakfast bar counter top between us.

"So when do we leave?" he asks.


	2. Leaving New York

**_It's easier to leave than to be left behind  
Leaving was never my proud  
Leaving New York never easy  
I saw the life fading out_**

**Leaving New York by REM**

* * *

A week later finds Mark and me on a plane to Seattle. Over the week we packed up Marks stuff, Mark shut down his private practice, I resigned my contract from the NY Hospital, talked Richard Webber, Chief of surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital into giving me and Mark jobs. Luckily for us there was a empty slot for Head of Neurology, which fit me perfectly, and Richard was enamoured with the idea of Mark coming in and sorting out their plastics department so he made Mark the Head of Plastics. We also managed to pack my stuff up, by sneaking into my house to avoid Addison whilst she was at work. On Friday I wrote a note and left a copy of the divorce papers on the kitchen table for her. I'd signed them already.

We called in a haulage company and packaged all our belongings up before heading to the Airport on our way to Seattle.

As we recline in first class Mark turns to me and asks "Where will we stay?"

"I've booked us in to the Seattle Grand Harbour Lights Hotel." I answer, avoiding eye contact.

Out of the corner of my eye I see him sit up straighter "What aren't you saying Shep?"

Damn, I could never lie or fool him. "I erm.. I bought a place."

"Oh. That's cool. What's it like?" He relaxes a little.

"Two trailers. And some land. A lot of land."

"Trailers?" He howls. "Seriously Derek, trailers?"

I nod and pick up the copy of the latest medical journal I brought with me, holding it high to cover my face and avoid his glaring.

We spend the rest of the flight in silence, only broken at the end when I feel guilty.

"Mark, there's two trailers. One's for you. And the haulage company has set up a container with all our stuff in it. And you can stay as long as you want, or you can go to the hotel. I'm booked in for the first night, but you can stay on."

"Why?" I know what he's referring to, so I sigh.

"Because in New York, with Addison, it was all.. stuff, that's all she wanted you know? The houses, the brownstone and the Hampton house, it was all like, just stuff. And she wanted, money, material things. When I married her we moved from that flat the three of us shared straight into the $2.5 million brownstone. Because that's what she wanted. This time it's what I want Mark. I have my land, and I'm going to build a house. Not right now, just, some when. A house like I want."

He nods his head and doesn't reply.

He doesn't need to.

He's my brother and I know what he's going to do. He'll stand by me. He'll support me in this. Because we are brothers.


	3. Marching Bands Of Manhattan

**A/N: I found this song through the show.. its a very good song. Anyway.. this chap see's a change of POV.. **

**Enjoy.. read, review, whatever ..**

**Take Care**

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_**And it is true what you say,  
That I live like a hermit in my own head,  
But when the sun shines again,  
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.**_

**Marching Bands of Manhattan by Death Cab For Cutie**

* * *

I sit in the conservatory, the wicker of the chair digging in my skin, but I don't flinch. I don't move. I sit and I wait. I listen and I am numb. My mother's words, the tangled web of memories. I can't allow myself to feel emotion. Not here, not in this room. Not in the home. I can't do that. This isn't about me. It's about her. She's living it. This moment, she's living the argument of my 14-year-old self and her. She had come home from surgery, the first time in a week, and found me. Pink hair, baggy black clothes, and an angry stare.

"What have you done to yourself?" she's yelling now. I remember this too. I say the same words I said then.

"What do you care?" My voice waivers. Back then it didn't. Back then I had held it strong, that unique mixture of fear and defiance that you have when you're a kid.

"I'm your mother. It's my job to care."

I'd stormed upstairs after she'd said that. This time I just look at her, her eyes stare at me, I see the confusion that lies beneath the green of her eyes.

We sit in silence. Nothing needs to be said, nothing can be said, and sometimes I feel nothing should be said. So we sit. And as the sun sets over the homes' garden, I watch the light change, and then all too soon its over. The nurse comes in as the sky changes from a golden orange to a dusky blue. Visiting times over.

As I stand I put my arms round my mothers frail body and kiss her cheek.

"I just wanted to say I'm starting my internship tomorrow Mum. At Seattle Grace. Uncle Richards the chief. I want to make you proud Mum. Be the best. Like you." I walk to the door, turning my back to her, but pause in the doorway at the sound of her voice.

"I was the best doctor. But the worst mother."

I look over my shoulder and see a sheen of tears in her eyes, the ones staring at me, lucid for this fraction in time. And I take this one moment, and say the words that she needs most wherever she is in her head. I hope this is something she can hang on to.

"I love you Mum." I say as the nurse walks to her and I walk away.


	4. All At Once

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_**Sometimes  
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain  
Sometimes the hardest thing and  
The right thing are the same.**_

**All At Once by The Fray**

* * *

After a night in the hotel I go down to the hotel lobby to get the rental car. Mark follows after and we drive, with our suitcases to my land.

"If this is a shit heap I'm going back to the hotel." He says.

I laugh at grumpy morning Mark, something I'm used to from trying to rouse him for early lectures at College.

"Trust me." I smile.

"That's unlikely." I shake my head hiding a smirk and shove in my favourite CD. The Clash. I chuckle as Mark groans.

"I wondered where that was. I had hoped you'd sent it in the haulage stuff."

Scandalised I cry "Mark, you know I would never let this go with out me."

Laughing I turn off the road and onto a dirt track, I carry on along it for a mile or so before stopping in a clearing where there's two silver trailers, a huge green container and the rest.. well the rest is a huge empty field surrounded by trees.

"What do you think?" I ask Mark as we clamber from the car.

He looks around. "This is yours? All of it?"

"Yep." I nod. "24 acres."

"Whoa."

"You like it? There's a lake. We can fish."

"This is cool man."

I grin, "I know", before walking towards the contain and cranking the doors open. I look over my shoulder. "Wanna unpack?"

He grins, bounding over and punching me on the arm. "You're lucky I'm so accepting." He says.

"Oh sure, the violence is proof of that." I laugh.

A few hours later all that we can fit is in the trailers, the rest is still in the container, which I've leased for the next two years. Ok, so maybe it's a bit weird that I'd consider living out here in a trailer for two years but it's just an estimate. I could start building plans in a week. But most probably not. I just want to have time. And space. Before having to recreate my whole life over. And plus it'll be pretty cool just Mark and me in the trailers for a while. Like back in the day.. like life in B.A – Before Addison.

"So, we should go see Richard." I say, "We can grab lunch on the way. There's a Deli we passed earlier on."

Mark nods and we get back in the rental. "We should go to the dealership after we see Richard yeah?"

"Oh, so you live in NY for 10 years and don't have a car, five minutes back in normal city life you want a car?" I say.

"I miss driving." He says as I pull into a parking bay. I get out and lock the car. As we walk to the door of the hospital I chuck him the keys.

"You can drive this then. I'm sick of crazy drives already." I grin.


	5. Follow Through

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* * *

**__**Oh, this is the start of something good,  
Don't you agree?**_

**Follow Through by Gavin DeGraw**

* * *

I walk into the conference room, filled with Doctors, and new interns. It's easy to tell which are which. The interns are two groups. The one's with fear on their faces, and the ones with a smirk of competitiveness. The Doctors are totally relaxed and confident. Me, I'm an intern. But I'm not nervous, and I definitely don't have that whole crazy competitiveness that one of the interns, a Korean girl, has spades of. I look around the room and immediately see the one person I'm here for – Uncle Richard. He virtually blackmailed me into attending this. A Mixer evening at the hospital was surprisingly not my idea of fun, but he said I'd find it beneficial. Beneficial my ass. At least there is free booze though.

I walk over and his eyes brighten as his gaze turns from a short female Doctor he is chatting too.

"Meredith!" he beams, before continuing he turns back to the Doctor and says "I'll catch up with you later Miranda." She eyes me as she nods and turns away.

"Chief," I smile back, "How are you?"

"Great, you?"

"I'm.. I'm good." I say, and realise that for the first time in a long time I actually feel what I say. I do feel good. I'm happy. I'm content. And tomorrow I'll be a Doctor.

We chat on for a while before I notice his gaze caught by something over my shoulder.

"Meredith, I'd like you to meet two of my old students, Doctor Derek Shepherd, the new head of Neurology at Seattle Grace and Doctor Mark Sloan, Plastics." I turn to look at the Doctors and freeze. My eyes catch onto a pair of clear blue ones. I'm stunned.

"Uh.. Hi." I say. Oh great Mer, way to impress them, stuttering like an idiot. Although I feel better when he seems affected in the same way as he replies with his own incoherent "Erm.. Hi." My eyes stay locked on his, but I see his friend chuckling as he also greets us. When his friend sticks out his hand my gaze shifts to him. He's equally attractive but in a less… Dreamy way.

"Mark Sloan." He introduces himself.

I grip his hand and smile politely. "Doctor Sloan."

"Call me Mark. And this embarrassingly inarticulate idiot is my best friend Derek Shepherd."

"Doctor Shepherd." I smile more openly as I slip my hand into his.

Chief Webber clears his throat and we quickly release hands and gazes.

"Meredith is Ellis Grey's daughter. She's a new intern, it'll be her first day tomorrow, like you two."

"Doctor Ellis Grey?" asks Derek, paling slightly.

"The Grey method Ellis Grey?" Mark, equally shocked asked.

I chuckle at their faces and nod.

"Oh god. Is she here?"

"That's a bit offensive idiot." Derek says, smacking Mark in the arm.

"Yeah but what if she sees us…? God. She hates us remember!"

They look genuinely scared as they bicker. I laugh and realise the Chief is laughing too, with more familiarity than me.

"Why are you so scared of her? I mean, sure lots of Doctors are but you guys.. you look terrified!" I laugh. As Chief Webber excuses himself to talk to another Doctor who's hanging around us the two Doctors explain.

"We had Dr Grey as a attending when we were interns. Lets just say, Richard liked us, Dr Grey… she pretty much hated us."

"Why? What did you do?"

"We.. well, at the end of our first year we decorated Richards car with silly string and balloons." Says Doctor Shepherd.

"That it? That's pretty tame Dr Shepherd."

"Call me Derek." He smiles. I know I blush at this so I hide it by ducking my face behind my hair.

"We also covered the attendings locker room with toilet roll, cling film over loo seats, took the washers from their taps and.. put dye on their showerheads."

I try and hold in my laughter as Mark says this. I can't though and pretty soon the three of us burst out with it.

I literally have tears in my eyes as Mark continues "Doctor Grey had us doing all the rectals for her cases for the next year, she didn't let us scrub in on her surgeries, and.. well.. she made us wear pink scrubs for a month by putting us on Gynaecology service for a month."

"Oh that's priceless!" I say. "I could totally see that happening. When I dyed my hair pink she made me go into the hospital and copy up her post op notes for 3 months."

Mark snatches three glass of champagne from the waitress and hands me one. Holding his up he says "To the terrifying Ellis Grey, who taught us all we know about rectals." I laugh as I clink my glass with theirs and catch Derek's eye. Smiling I pull my gaze away from him and flicker between the two of them.

"So where are you from?" I ask them.

Derek raises his eyebrows. "How did you know we're not from here?"

"Accent." I reply.

"Ahh." He nods. "We're from New York. Arrived yesterday."

"Where'd you go to medical school then Dr Grey?" asks Mark.

"Call me Meredith. I went to Dartmouth. My Mom didn't want me too, but I didn't care. She was in Boston and I pretty much just wanted out of standing round hospitals waiting for her to finish in surgery."

"You wanted to be the one doing the surgery?"

"Damn straight" I grin. As we lapse into silence I look around the room. Everyone's paired off into groups, talking in corners.

"Want to go find a bar?" asks Dr Sloan.

I shake my head. "I can't." I reply.

"Why not?"

"You're attendings. You're my boss'." I whisper.

"Meredith." I look up at Derek, a glorious fluttery feeling bubbles in my lower stomach at the way my name sounds coming from his lips. Stop it. Get a grip Mer! I tune myself back in. "Technically we're your boss' boss. Or your teachers' teacher. But who cares?!"

I waiver.

"Come on" says Mark "We're new, we don't know where the bars are. Take pity on us stranded New Yorkers."

I laugh at the face he makes and sigh.

"Fine."

I walk to the door and catch Richards eye, he's back talking to the short Doctor, and I wave before following the two attendings out the door.


	6. Party

**A/N: Hey, another chapter. I'm just copying these as fast as I can. I hope you like it. I expect the short chpaters are annoying. Sorry. But I wrote it ages ago like this, and all I'm doing in spell checking and quickly perusing it to make sure there aren't errors. I hope you like it.**

**Enjoy. R&R and all that Jazz..**

**Take Care**_**

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_**I'm gettin' ready for a party tonight  
Yes I'm gettin' ready to cruise  
And if you've got somethin' for me  
I've got somethin' for you**_

**Party by Boston**

* * *

We step out into the chilly autumn air. Seattle has this dampness that never goes. It's a constant state of being for the city. I notice Meredith shivering slightly as we step out, not surprising as she's dressed, stunningly, in a simple black dress and heels. I tug my jacket off, step behind her and drape it over her tiny shoulders. She looks up at me, over her shoulder, as I gently pull her hair from underneath the collar. I smile slightly, before stepping back to the side, so Mark and me are each side of her. I look over at Mark, who is being surprisingly quiet, and seeing a knowing glint his eyes. I shake my head and smile.

"So where to?" asks Mark, rubbing his hands together briskly.

"Joes."

"Joe's?" he asks. "I thought we were going to a bar."

"It is a bar, stupid!" she laughs swatting his arm. She lifts her arm and points of into the distance. "See the green sign?"

"The Emerald City Bar?"

"Yep," she nods, "That's Joes bar. When my Mum started here, I was underage but I'd go and wait at Joe's for her."

We walk across the dark and empty car park, and cross the street to Joe's. Mark pushes the door open and holds it for us to walk through.

As soon as Meredith enters she bounds over to the bar crying "Joe!" The barman looks up from the glass he is wiping and grins, "Meredith!" and walks round the bar to hug her.

Whilst Meredith's attention is diverted Mark turns to me. "Meredith, eh?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." I say, trying in vain to ignore him.

"Whatever man, it's so obvious. Both of you. It's quite sad really."

I punch his arm. "Oh, and I'm sure I just imagined you staring at that blonde girl?"

"Uh, who?" he says, the cocky demeanour gone now. "Oh, look, Meredith's calling us over. Let's not be rude." I smirk as he pushes me towards her and shake my head.

"Whatever."

Meredith smiles at me, her smile already having an affect on me. My breath hitches, as I look at her, the second seemingly frozen. The light of the bar makes her hair glow golden, and the genuine sparkle in her eye as she smiles is there as she introduces us to the barman.

"Joe, this is Doctor Mark Sloan, and Doctor Derek Shepherd. My new bosses!"

"Taking the bosses out already Mer? That's my girl!" he grins, reaching out and shaking Mark's hands and mine. "Nice to meet you Doctors."

"Call me Mark."

"Call me Derek." We both reply smiling.

"What can I get you guys? First drinks on the house seeing as you've brought my little Mer back!"

Meredith blushes as she leans into Joe.

"Double Scotch Single Malt, please." I say.

"Same for me thanks" echoes Mark.

"Tequila for you, Angel?" asks Joe to Meredith, who nods her head, her smile never leaving her face.

As Joe leaves us to get the drinks we walk over and grab a table in the corner, away from the crowded bar.

"So Angel huh?" Mark smirks.

"Yeah. Well. Joe's always looked out for me." Meredith says defensively. "Only he's allowed to call me that."

"Damn straight!" Joe says placing our drink down on the table for us.

"Have fun guys!" he says before going back to the bar.

"So why are you here?" asks Meredith.

Mark looks at me before saying, "New York sucked, and Seattle has lots of hot chicks."

Meredith actually chokes on her drink at this, and I choke on some ice. Mark laughs at us, I look like a deer in headlights and Meredith looks positively scandalised.

"Whoa, guys, chillax!"

"Chillax?"

"It's like, Chill and Relax."

"Oh" says Meredith, still confused. "Right.." she pauses before continuing "You came here for hot chicks?"

"No!" I say. Before hastily rectifying the situation.. badly.. by adding "I mean, not that the girls in Seattle aren't hot. They are. Not that we've seen a lot of them. Except you. You're in Seattle. You're hot. But. I mean.. " both of them stare at me as I ramble "Erm.. Change of scenery?" I finish lamely.

"Riiiiiiight!" says Meredith before bursting out in to laughter.

Mark smiles as I sit there embarrassed at my not so cool explanation. As the night goes on Mark leaves us to join a pretty brunette at the bar, as he walks off I call "Don't forget Blondie!" I laugh as he sticks up 2 fingers at me.

And suddenly I find myself sat at a table alone with Meredith. Who is gorgeous. And I have no clue what to say.

"Marks definitely.. interesting." She observes, her mouth curling in a slight smirk.

"Oh yeah! He's always been like that."

"How long have you known him?"

"Since we were 6."

"Whoa! That's a long time."

"Yeah, we're practically brothers. He hasn't got much in the way of a family so my parents sort of just adopted him as one of their own. He hardly ever went home, stayed at ours all the time. He's a good guy. Stuck by me."

"Sounds like a good guy."

"Yeah, he is. He's still a complete ass though."

"I thought you were best mates?!" She says laughing.

"We are, that's why I can be honest. If you ask him he'll agree. Watch." I tell her. "Oi, Mark!" I yell over the noise of the bar.

He swivels round on his stool to look at me. "What?"

"Are you an ass?"

He nods "The biggest one there is and you know it!" he grins before returning to the brunette.

"Open and honest too." Meredith laughs.

I grin.

"So you only just moved here then? Where you living?"

"I bought some land, we've got some trailers at the minute. I expect Mark will move out. But I'm planning on building a house on my land. I don't know when. It'll be some time I guess. Where are you living?"

"I'm staying in my Mums old house. It's pretty big. And empty. And lonely. But I like it. Only 10 minutes from the hospital too."

"What's Dr Grey doing then?"

I notice a slight hesitation before she replies, and her eyes flick away from mine "She's.. Travelling." Understanding that she probably doesn't want to talk about it, I ask no more even though I know she's lying.

"Are you as scary as your Mum?"

"God no!" she laughs. "I'm.. calmer, I guess. Although, she was the best so I see why she yelled and stuff. She had the right too, she delivered. I just… I want to be as good as my Mum, you know?" I nod " But I don't, well, I don't want to be as cold as her. I mean, she was the best but, she was never the caring Doctor, she was the one people went to in order to live, not in order to be comforted."

"I get that. That's the hardest thing with being a Doctor, finding the balance between caring and caring too much, from being professional and being cold. It's a fine line."

Meredith nods, "Exactly. It'll take work, but I know I can do it."

"You nervous about tomorrow?"

She shakes her head "No. I'm ready, I feel like I was born ready for this. I mean, it's in the genes! I guess I'm a little apprehensive about how the other interns will take Ellis Grey being my Mum. And the Doctors taking the fact that the Chief of Surgery was like a surrogate Dad to me."

"Really? You've know Richard long then?"

"Oh, yeah. Since I was little. Uncle Richard would always sit with me when Mum was in surgery and he was on-call or whatever."

"Uncle Richard!" I laugh. "Be careful not to say that in the halls of the hospital."

"I know," she grins, "I don't want any special treatment. I want to be the best on my own merits, from hard work, not who I am related to or whatever."

"Sounds like a plan. I can see you'll do it. Face it, if ass head over there can be a Doctor so can anyone!"

I love the sound as she giggles, it's contagious. I smile back and nod to Joe for a refill.

At the end of the night Marks gone off somewhere with the brunette leaving me and Meredith standing outside the bar waiting for our cabs. As the first one shows up, I tell her to take it.

"No, I can wait, it'll be fine."

"Ok. Well. Thank you Derek. I had a great time. I guess I'll see you at work." She glances at her watch. "Today."

I smile as she looks up, and take a step towards her, as I stare into her eyes I look for a sign that she doesn't want me to do this, when I see none, I gently lower my head, touching my lips to hers.

Breathing deeply I step back, and smile at her.

"I had a really great first night out in Seattle Meredith. Thank you."

I open the door of the cab for her and she slides in, winding down the window. I shut the door and she looks up at me.

Her eyes suddenly widen, "Your jacket!"

"Don't worry, I'll pick it up from you some when else."

"Okay then. Well. Goodnight Derek."

"Goodnight Doctor Grey."

I watch her cab drive off in to the distance.

"So you like her then?" The voice startles me and I whirl round, heart beating wildly.

"Mark!"

"Sorry, calm down man." He smirks knowingly at me.

"Shut up." I say even though he's silent.

He raises his eyebrow and says instead "I'm sober, I'll drive us to the trailer. We'll have to stop at the dealership before work. We don't start until 11 anyway. Meredith has to be up in 6 hours. That was mean Derek."

"Oh shit I forgot. And she has to do 48 hours."

"We're gonna have to bail her out." He grins as we get in the car.

"Yep. We owe her. You especially."

"Why me? You kissed her!"

"Yeah but she took you to the bar where you met that friend of yours and got a welcome to the city shag."

"Oh, fair dues. You are right."

"I always am." I grin.


	7. First Day Of My Life

**A/N: This chap uses some extracts from GA. Thank you to the superb writers of GA. Hopefully you like the chap.**

**Take Care**

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_**This is the first day of my life**_

_**Swear I was born right in the doorway**_

_**I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed**_

_**They're spreading blankets on the beach**_

_**Yours was the first face that I saw**_

_**I think I was blind before I met you**_

**First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes**

**__**

* * *

After falling into my bed fully clothed, it's all too soon that my alarm is going off and I'm into the shower. I pull on my work clothes and stumble downstairs. I enter my kitchen and open my under stocked fridge. Breakfast, I need breakfast.. Left over toasted sandwich.. That'll have to do. I grab it and shove it in the microwave whilst I pack my bag. The microwave dings and I pull the melted cheese toasty out. Mmm. Yum.

On entering the hospital I follow the signs for the tour, sneaking into the OR as Chief Webber finishes speaking.

"Each of you comes today hopeful, wanting in on the game. A month ago you were in med school being taught by doctors. Today, you are the doctors. The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Look around you. Say hello to your competition. Eight of you will switch to an easier specialty. Five of you will crack under the pressure. Two of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line. This is your arena. How well you play, that's up to you."

Nice speech Uncle Richard, I think to myself, it's demanding, insightful, honest, and a little bit shit scaring. Perfect.

I follow the other interns down to the locker rooms and change into my scrubs.

"Only 6 women out of 20." I say to my fellow interns, not really expecting much of a conversation from that observation.

"Yeah" the Korean girl from last night says whilst pulling her curly black hair into a ponytail "I hear one of them is a model. Seriously, that's gonna help with the respect thing."

"You're Cristina right?" Jeez, I hope I'm right. I'm pretty sure that what it is.

"Which resident you assigned to? I got Bailey." I take the lack of answer as a positive.

"I've got Bailey too."

"So have I!" A puppy dog faced guy says.

I smile as Cristina looks him up and down, curling her lip. "Good for you Bambi."

"I'm George! I met you last night.. at the, at the mixer." He says looking at me. I shift uncomfortably as he continues, "You were wearing the black dress, with the slit at the side? And strappy sandals.. and great.. now you think I'm gay."

I stand there unable to speak, as Cristina snorts in amusement.

"O'Malley, Yang, Stevens, Grey." A Doctor calls out. Cristina walks to the door, and I follow.

"I'm not. I'm not gay." George calls after us. His cheeks reddening as he realises how loud he said it. Luckily no one seems to be paying him much attention.

"Bailey?" Cristina asks the Doctor who called our names, he points to the end of the corridor.

"I'm Meredith" I say, trying to be polite and hoping to hell that he won't embarrass himself further.

"I'm George. George O'Malley." He smiles at me. I nod as we walk towards our resident.

"That's the Nazi?" Cristina leans to me and says.

"I thought she'd have been.. taller.. and.. bigger." Says George, the three of us staring at the short black Doctor standing at the nurse's station waiting for us. I recognise her as the woman Richard was talking to at the mixer. I try and avoid thinking of the mixer because that will, inevitably, lead me to thinking about Mark and Derek. Derek who I kissed. Derek whose jacket is hanging in my hall cupboard. Derek who is my boss. Derek who I want to kiss again.

Jerking back to the moment I realise we have been joined by another Doctor. Stevens I guess.

"I thought the Nazi would be.. the Nazi." I add.

"Maybe it's professional jealousy. Maybe she's brilliant and she's called the Nazi. Maybe she's nice."

"You must be the model." Says Cristina smirking. I like Cristina. She smirks a lot, she doesn't seem to like these happy chirpy people, i.e. George and Stevens either.

We walk up to Doctor Bailey and Stevens reaches out her hand.

"Hi, I'm Isobel Stevens. But everyone calls me Izzie." She smiles.

Bailey looks at the blonde despairingly.

"I have 5 rules." Says Bailey ignoring her. "Memorize them. Rule number 1. Don't bother sucking up. I already hate you and that's not gonna change." She points to the desk, "Trauma protocol. Phone lists. Pagers. Nurses will page you."

We all grab the stuff, Cristina inevitably the first one, and run after Bailey whose still talking.

"You answer every page at a run. A run! That's number 2. Your first shift starts now and lasts 48 hours. You are interns. Grunts. Nobodies. You run labs," she says ticking of her list on her fingers "write orders, work every second night until you drop and you don't complain."

We pass a doorway and she points to it.

"On-call rooms. Attendings hog them. Sleep when you can, where you can. Which, brings me to rule number 3. If I'm sleeping don't wake me unless your patient is actually dying. As in, really dying. And rule number 4, that patient better not be dead when I get there. Not only will you have killed someone, you'd have woken me, forcing me.. to kill you.. We clear?"

I raise my hand.

"Yes?" she asks, eyebrow raised.

"You said 5 rules, that's only 4."

As I speak Bailey's pager goes off, she glances at it, backing off from us without raising her eyes from it. "Rule number 5. When I move. You move." She takes off running, we all for a second glance at each other before tearing after her.

By hour 4 I've got my first patient Katie Bryce. She came in by helicopter, she was whom we ran after Bailey for. Lucky me gets to take her to CT. The only problem on my horizon.. well.. I have no clue where CT is.

"You're lost." She says. God, why couldn't they've knocked her out first so I didn't have to listen to her.

"I am not lost." I grit my teeth. Maybe saying it will make it come true. I am not lost, I am not lost, I am not lost, damn it… I am lost.

"How are you feeling?" I ask her, just so she'll stop telling me I'm lost.

"How do you think I'm feeling? I'm missing my pageant."

Oh jeez. She's one of those people. The peppy cheerleader happy girlie blurgh type people. God.

"You're missing your pageant?" I repeat her. Oh God, she's answering, she thinks I was really asking a question about it. I wasn't. I just was in shock. I couldn't believe she really was one of those pageant taking part of kind of person. But she is. She so clearly is.

A little while later she's still talking about it.

"I do rhythmic gymnastics."

Wow. And what she's actually proud of this fact? What the hell is rhythmic gymnastics?

"It's like, really cool. Nobody else does it. Anyway, the other week, I tripped over my ribbon."

Mustn't laugh. Am a Doctor. I am a trained professional taught to deal with the public with dignity and decorum.

"So yeah, I tripped and twisted my ankle, and I didn't get stuck with someone as clueless as you." She pauses for a beat. "And she was like.. a nurse."

Oh please, like I am the clueless one in this conversation. God, a ribbon swirling pageant go-er is telling me I'm clueless. That's like Lindsay Lohan telling E! News that she's stopped drinking.

Laughable.


	8. I Predict A Riot

_**

* * *

**__**And if there's anybody left in here**_

_**That doesn't want to be out there **_

_**I predict a riot, I predict a riot**_

_**I predict a riot, I predict a riot**_

**I Predict A Riot by The Kaiser Chiefs**

* * *

Hour 7 dawns with my first food break, and God am I starving. I enter the cafeteria and hear the conversation from the intern table.

"You know that Meredith is inbred?" asks Cristina to the table at large.

"Oh please, like it's so unusual to have Doctors as parents around here."

"No as in royally inbred." She qualifies. "Her mother is Ellis Grey."

Well, they found out. I walk towards the table with my tray, the only space being at the end of the table. I look at them and stare at me.

"Katie Bryce is a huge pain in the ass. I swear if I hadn't of taken that stupid oath to do no harm I would quite happily commit murder." I say.

They are still staring at me. "What?" I ask, placing my tray down.

"Nothing." Cristina glares at me. I pick my tray back up.

"Right. Well, I'm not sitting here, if you want to be pissed at me cause my Mum happens to be Ellis Grey then fine. I'm not apologising for that, and I haven't hidden it. I am Dr Grey, and I have been all day. So. Whatever." I turn around and see an attending looking at me.

As he walks past he smiles at me and whispers only so I can hear, "Go Grey." I smile at the Doctor who I recognise as Doctor Burke the Cardio Thoracic surgeon and continue to an empty table in the corner.

After Burke speaks to the table I left, I can't hear what was said, Cristina, George and Izzie join me at my table.

"Come to stare at me some more?" I ask crankily. I guess seven hours on just a toasted sandwich makes me a little bit ratty.

"Grey. I wasn't pissed at you.. I was.. " Cristina's mouth twists on the words "impressed."

I look at her in shock. Too stunned to speak.

"Yeah," said Izzie "We were in awe of you. Don't you get that? You are the daughter of the Ellis Grey. That makes you somebody. The rest of use are nameless interns. You are a somebody."

"People already respect you."

I shake my head. "I am not my mother. And I am not taking it easy by having her as a mother. I have to work twice as hard to prove that I am not getting privileged treatment."

Izzie puts her hand on my arm "We know. We get it."

I nod.

"So.. O'Malley is scrubbing in with Burke." Says Cristina

"Really? On what?" I ask, glad of the change of subject.

He smiles at me shyly "An appendectomy."

"Cool. Congrats."

"Thanks. I thought Burke hated me. Maybe he doesn't."

"Maybe he just wants you to be the first screw up."

"I'm sure it's not that. You heard what he said George. You showed the most promise."

George is ratified by Izzie's praise and smiles, ignoring Cristina's knowing smirk.

"Anyway, I better get back to beauty pageant girl. See you guys later." I pick up my tray and smile at the 3 before turning and leaving.


	9. A Certain Romance

_**

* * *

**__**And over there, there's broken bones  
There's only music, so that there's new ringtones  
And it don't take no Sherlock Holmes  
To see it's a little different around here**_

**A Certain Romance by The Arctic Monkeys**

* * *

"Thank God we're getting new cars. This is killing me. It's way too small." Moans Mark as we pull into the Car Sales car park.

"What car do you want?" I ask, pushing opening the showroom door.

He looks around and points to a Mazda RX8. "That one. You?"

I laugh at his quick pick. "I'm gonna get a Ford Ranger for my land, and most probably an Audi.. maybe the RS 8 or the TT."

We separate to go to the sales reps and get the cars.

An hour later Mark comes over as I'm finalising the details with the rep.

"So you'll deliver the Ford to my land right?"

"Yep. And you want the RS8 to go?"

"Yeah, that'd be great. Cheers" I say shake his hand.

I take the keys for my vehicles and turn to Mark and we walk to the door.

"I phoned the rental company and they said they'll pick up the car from here. So we are done. See you at the hospital?"

"Yep. Drive safe!" I laugh as his eyes light up at the sight of his Mazda.

"I will Shep. I will."

At the hospital Mark goes to check out Plastics whilst I make my way up to the surgical floor. On the second floor the doors open and a doctor walks in, head down in a file.

"Good morning" I smile.

She looks up her eyes wide before refocusing on me.

"Hey." She smiles.

"How's it going?"

"I was waiting for you actually. I've got your patient."

"Katie someone? Right?"

"Yeah, Katie Bryce, here's her chart." She says handing it over. I flick through it whilst she says "Her parents wanted to talk to someone, so I asked Bailey and she said you'd be the one to speak to them."

I nod distractedly, "Yep. Everything seems clear. CT results in?"

"I just got paged that they're at the nurses station."

"Great," I say closing the chart, "We'll check them over before meeting the parents."

Standing at the nurses station Meredith says "They look clear. They are clear right?"

I nod. "Yep. Clear. I should go speak to the parents. Come with."

Two hours later finds me and Mer in my brand new office, textbooks strewn around us.

We look up as the door opens and Mark peeks his head round the door.

"Hey, what's up guys?" He says walking in and plonking himself down in the spare seat.

"Katie Bryce, having seizures, Grand Mal, clear across the board."

"She competes in beauty pageants." Says Meredith.

"I know." I reply. "But we have to save her life anyway." Meredith snots and I find my self smiling absurdly at the pleasure that little sound gives me.

"Want me to look?" asks Mark.

I nod and he picks up a book.

An hour later and we've not got anything. I run my hand through my hair, as I always do when frustrated.

"There's no history, no injuries, nothing, no bleeding, nothing!" I state perturbed.

The two look at me.

"There has to be something." Says Mark. "Nothing in the Doctors history?"

Meredith shakes her head. "Nope, nothing, said she's a regularly healthy kid.." she trails off staring in to space.

"What?" I ask.

"Well.." she pauses looking at me uncertainly. "She did say she twisted her ankle. The other week. She told me, she fell and twisted her ankle."

"What if she has aneurysm?" asks Mark to Meredith, she nods.

"There are no indicators." I inform them.

"She fell when she twisted it." Says Meredith. "She said she iced it and got right back up and it was fine. It was so minor that her doctor didn't even mention it when I took a history."

"The chance of a fall that minor bursting aneurysm is like.. one in a million. Literally." I say, looking between the two of them. I look down at her chart. I don't know. Inwardly sighing I stand.

"Let's go." The other two stand as well.

"Where?" ask Meredith uncertainly.

"To see if Katie is one in a million" I grin.

I sit in the chair directly in front of the monitor, Mark and Meredith standing over my shoulders.

"I'll be damned."

"What?" asks Meredith.

"There." points Mark at the screen.

She leans closer, I feel her hair on my shoulder, and smell, some sort of flower.

"It's minute. But it is there." I say. Getting a close up of the bleed. "She's bleeding into her brain."

Whilst Katie is being wheeled to her room, I go and grab a space in OR.

"She could have gone her whole life without it being a problem, until one day, a tap in the right spot and bam. Shows over."

"Wow." Says Meredith. Stopping outside the room. "Well, it was great working with you Doctor Shepherd, I better go see Bailey and ask if she has anything else she needs doing. Maybe I'll get to watch in the gallery."

"What are you saying?" I whirl around.

"Mer, you found it. First day intern found the bleed." Mark says.

"You are scrubbing in Meredith." I assure her.

"I.. oh.." her eyes go wide and we chuckle at the awestruck look on her face. "I.. uh.. I'll scrub in?"

"Yeah. Of course. I'll see you in the OR Doctor Grey." I wink before strolling off.


	10. Traveller In Time

_**

* * *

**_

_**Every day I have to look to the sun  
To see where it was that  
I have come from**_

**Traveller In Time by Uriah Heep**

****

* * *

"Wow." I say aloud watching Dereks retreating back. I forget Mark is still there until her places his hand on my shoulder.

"Cool huh?"

"Seriously. I get to scrub in on an advanced procedure. Seriously?"

Mark laughs "Seriously Doctor Grey. I'll be in the gallery. I have a free day. Have fun. And remember," he leans towards me and whispers in my ear "Not too much staring at Derek."

I blush furiously red, but Mark just laughs at my embarrassment.

Walking away he calls "Bye Grey" over his shoulder. Shaking my head I go off in search off Doctor Bailey to inform her of the surgery.

I'm sat on a gurney in one of the tunnels when Cristina catches up with me.

"Hey. I heard you're on an advanced procedure with McDreamy."

"What? Shepherd? McDreamy...?" I grin

Izzie joins us, "Are you talking about that Plastic surgeon? Cause he is hot."

"No, we're talking about McDreamy, not McSteamy."

"God, they'd cringe if they heard you call them that." I laugh.

Cristina looks at me and narrows her eyes. "Yeah?"

"I expect Mark would find it funny though. He is cocky like that!"

"Mark?"

"Mark Sloan, he's the plastics guy." I explain.

"How do you know them?"

"Oh, we met last night at the mixer, I took them to Joes, you know the bar over the road." The two nod.

"That's why you were late this morning?" asks Cristina accusations in her voice.

"God, no, well.. I mean, sure I overslept, but I overslept alone."

"Oh." I think they believe me. At least I hope they do. I look at my pager as it beeps.

"Pre-op!" I smile. "Will you be in the gallery?"

"Yep." Izzie smiles. I walk away turning back before I reach the corner.

"By the way, how did George do?"

Cristina smirks. "007."

"Ahh.. license to kill." I nod.

"Don't be mean" says Izzie, a hint of reproach in her voice. I turn back and see George walking past.

"Hi George."

"Hi Meredith." I carry on walking to my goal, forgetting all thoughts of his surgery going wrong when I walk into the scrub room. I look in through the window and see Katie lying on the table hair shaved and ready for us.

"You ready?" asks Derek, appearing beside me.

I nod, not trusting my voice.

"I had to promise to make her look cool." He smiles. "Apparently," putting on a peppy voice continues "being a bald beauty queen is like.. so the worst thing in the history of the world.."

I laugh and immediately my nerves are settled.

Hands clean he looks at me.

"Ready Doctor Grey?"

"Yes Doctor Shepherd." I smile.

A nurse pulls Dereks gloves on him whilst another does mine. Not that I need them as I am not actually gonna touch anything.

Walking towards the table Derek surveys the OR smiling behind his mask. I can tell his smiling as I hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes.

"Alright everybody. It's a beautiful night to save lives. Lets have some fun."

I stand in silence, watching Derek silently and skilfully work, hovering over the patient's brain, tools in his hand and headlamp shining bright. Derek looks up and nods for me to step forward, I widen my eyes silently asking _"me?" _he nods and I walk over. As I move I look up into the gallery into the faces I recognise, Doctor Bailey, Chief Webber, Izzie, Cristina and George, and Mark. They all smile encouragingly, except Cristina who just lessens her permanent scowl. I look Mark in the face and he winks, and suddenly I am standing over the open brain of Katie Bryce. Derek nods towards the microscope and I lean in looking down.

I silently think wow, tearing my eyes away I look at Derek,

"Welcome to the game Doctor Grey." he smiles before going back to work.

I wait outside the scrub room. Slumped in a hard plastic backed chair.

"48 hours over" Derek says coming from the room.

I nod. He glances at the chart in his hand.

"You helped save a life Doctor Grey. Be proud."

I look up into his smiling face. "Thank you Dr Shepherd." I smile shyly.

He looks at his watch. "We're both off. Want to grab some breakfast? Proper food. Not hospital crap?"

I gaze into his eyes. I should say no. I shouldn't go. I shouldn't be a friend of my attending. I shouldn't be flirting with my attending. If the others found out I was doing this they'd.. well what would they do? There is no explicit rule against this. And it's only breakfast. Work colleagues everywhere eat together all the time. Why shouldn't I?

I stand up and smile, eyes that were heavy from tiredness suddenly open wider, "I'd love to. See you in the lobby in 15?" I ask.

He nods and grins.

Walking off I smile.


	11. Vindicated

**A/N: Hey. So.. got halfway through now. I really like this story. I didn't remember how much I liked it until I started putting it up. I know I'm not an amazing writer. But I hope its ok. Feedback would be great. I don't have a beta so this is all on my own, any mistakes therefore are mine. **

**Take Care**

_**

* * *

**_

_**Hope  
Dangles on a string  
Like slow-spinning redemption  
Winding in and winding out**_

**Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional**

* * *

I open the door for Meredith and smile as she slides into my car. I get in and turn the key in the ignition.

"Mm. I love the smell of new cars." She smiles.

I grin at the wistful look on her face.

"It's brand new today. You are my first passenger."

"Well, I sure am privileged." She winks.

"Where to then?" I ask.

"You were the one who invited me! You should know where you are taking a lady before you ask her."

"Sorry!" I laugh. "I'm new in town. I beg for you're forgiveness. I'll pick next time."

"Who said there'd be a next time?" she laughs wickedly, I laugh along with her as I pull out of the hospital car park and onto the main road.

"Where to then?"

"We should go to The RoadStar Café."

"Where's that?"

"Take a left up here, and then a right." She directs me and soon enough we are pulling into a car park outside a neat little diner.

Walking in I see its not the typical diner, It's more relaxed, small coffee tables are set in the center, and the walls lined with booths. We grab a corner booth in the empty diner and wait for the waitress to come over.

"2 full Star Breakfasts please." She orders.

I raise my eyebrow at her,

"Trust me" she giggles. "You'll love it."

While we wait we talk, and before long we're given two huge plates of a full English breakfast, and a huge vat of coffee. We eat in silence, broken up with small snippets of conversation, before relapsing into comfortable silences.

When we are back in the car she turns to me and asks "So you like the RoadStar?"

I nod. "It was great." Turning the car down a road at her directions. I stop outside a large townhouse and get out to open the door for Meredith. Walking her to the door we stand in silence.

"Thanks for breakfast" she says before quickly ducking towards me and kissing me on the lips. Smiling shyly she closes the door and I walk away.

As I walk down the drive I pull out my phone and call a programmed number, as the female voice picks up I smile.

"Breakfast was great. How about lunch tomorrow? We're both on at the hospital right?"

"Sounds nice. See you Derek."

"Sleep tight Meredith." I say as I hop back into my car and pull away from the curb heading back to my land. As I turn onto the motorway a call comes over on my cell, plonking it into my hands free set I accept the call and the music shuts off.

"Hello?" I say aloud into the empty car.

"Hey man. You going back to the trailers?"

"Yeah, what you doing?"

"I gotta scrub in on a burns victim. I'll be back later. How was your date?"

"What date?" I ask playing innocent as I turn down the dirt track.

"Don't act like that with me, I saw you 2 walking out of the lobby."

"It was breakfast. That's all."

"Hey, don't get defensive. I think it's good. Getting back in the game. You heard anything from Satan?"

"She keeps ringing but I've set my phone to divert all her calls back to the phone at the townhouse so she's basically calling herself."

I hear Mark chuckle down the phone. "Good plan. Well, listen I gotta go. Congrats on you and Mer. I too have found a rather lovely intern."

"Mark!" I warn.

"Chillax, her names Izzie. You know the blonde girl."

"Oh, right, well.. Good luck.. on the surgery and the girl. See ya later."

I say before pulling my phone from the holder and going into my trailer and collapsing on my bed to sleep.


	12. Live And Learn

_**

* * *

**_

_**Well, you get what you give  
And hell yes, I lived!  
But if you live as you learn  
I don't think I can learn**_

**Live And Learn by The Cardigans**

* * *

"You hear about the syph outbreak?" Mark grins ask he walks up to me at the top of the stairwell. "You guys going to get tested?" he winks.

I slap his arm, "We don't need to thanks, but I expect you do."

"Ow, Meredith, I am wounded." He laughs.

"Whatever Mark!"

"Grey!" Bailey walks over to us she's about to continue when she's interrupted.

"Hey," Derek bounds up the stairs towards us, looking around conspiratorially, "How goes our special super secret silent sunset surgery?" he asks looking proud.

He pauses as we stare at him.

"I've been practising that!" he admits sheepishly.

"You have way to much time on your hands." Bailey deadpans.

We confirm that it's still top secret, and Richard's surgery on a tumour will be able to happen in top secrecy.

* * *

Two weeks later, after Richard's recovered well I'm standing in the lobby after visiting him, waiting for Derek. Our first real date. We've been eating lunch together, sometimes with Mark, sometimes I'll be with the rest of the interns. People give us a look when they see us together. But we're nothing but professional at work. The other interns seem alright with it. Izzie and George have moved into my house, seeing as I had so many empty rooms I couldn't leave them empty so I gave in and let them stay. Cristina has become my person. She's a hard ass, competitive and unbending, but she's a good person. Izzie has started dating another intern called Alex Karev, much to Mark's chagrin.

I stand as Derek walks over.

"Hey" I smile and wrap my arms around his neck, feeling his arms come up for a hug. He sits in the chair next to me and packs away some extra files in his briefcase.

"So where are we going?"

"I thought I'd cook dinner. At the trailer? We can talk then, just the two of us." he asks tentatively. I haven't been to his trailer yet. I didn't want to rush anything. I look at him and nod.

"Sounds great." I smile.

"Cool, because I do believe Doctor Grey that there is a steak and a bottle of red wine with your name on." He stands up and shrugs his coat on. I stand and tug mine around my shoulders. He ties the belt up and I kiss him as thanks. He steps back and picks up his briefcase with one hand, before reaching out and grabbing my hand with the other.

I tuck my small hand into his much larger one and twine our fingers together. He turns and steps toward the door, leading me, before he suddenly stops and I walk into the back of him.

He turns back and kisses me on my lips. "I'm so sorry Meredith."

Huh, what's he sorry about? I look up at the red haired woman standing in front of us.

"Addison. What are you doing here?" Dereks grip on my hand tightens, as he speaks to this.. Addison.. in the coldest tone I've ever heard him use.

"Well, you'd know if you hadn't been so childish and started ignoring and diverting my phone calls."

I look between the two confused. She holds herself with regal confidence, whilst Derek stands, radiating anger. Across the lobby Mark see us, I catch his eye and he visibly pales before heading across towards us. Just as he reaches us she's looking at me.

"Hi," she smiles, a totally fake smile, "I'm Addison Shepherd. "

"Shepherd?" I repeat sounding dumbstruck, I look between the two.

"And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."

I refuse to look at Derek. Husband. Wife. What? Was he going to ever tell me? Or just wait for me to find out like this. I rip my hand from his and point at her.

"I have not been screwing your husband. And I don't think I will thanks" I storm off, knowing the only place I have to go is Joe's. I run from the lobby not caring how I look, ignoring Derek's shouting of "Meredith".

But the time I get to Joe's the anger has turned to grief, and I look at Joe, complete desolation in my eyes. "Tequila please." I order.

He hands me the drink and says nothing as I knock it back as if it was water.

"Another." I place the empty glass upside down on the bar on the counter in front of me, my stomach feeling empty, and my mind. Well, right now it is a cloudy mass of black anger. Men, I think, as I drink down the next shot. They really do suck.


	13. Fool To Think

_**

* * *

**__**Was I a fool, was I a fool to think  
That you would take me home  
As if I was yours  
Was I a fool to think at all?**_

**Fool To Think by Dave Matthews Band**

* * *

It's Mark who comes. He slides onto the stool next to me. I know he's told Derek to stay away. Because Derek would be here. He's one of those guys who would chase after the girl. But Mark is like me, he's dark, he's twisty, he's not always the good guy, like me. I'm not always the good girl.

Clearly illustrated by the fact that I've been having a.. a relationship with a married man.

"I didn't know." I say pathetically. Mark puts his arm around me.

"I know."

"Why?" I ask, and in that one question I'm asking a thousand. I'm asking for all the answers. I look into Marks eyes and he tells me. He tells me all he can.

"Her name is Addison. Addison Forbes-Montgomery Shepherd. She's a OB/GYN back in NYC. She and Derek have been married for 5 years. A month or so ago he came home to find her cheating on him. Actually in the act. He came to my apartment and told me. I didn't know what to say so, as we do, we got pissed. And then he suddenly said "Seattle." I was like, "what?". He said that he was going to come here. That Richard had always promised him a job so he was coming here. We cleared all his stuff from the house, and packed up and we moved here. Before we left he put the signed divorce papers in her house. They haven't talked since."

"So she didn't sign?"

"Evidently not. Derek didn't know she was coming. He doesn't want her. He told me to tell you that it's you. It's you he wants."

I look down at my drink. Tears stream down my face. Mark sees them and pull me too him.

"Why didn't he tell me? When I asked why you moved.. neither of you would say.. why didn't you just tell me then?"

"We're guys Meredith. We don't like to share our souls. We didn't know we'd all end up being friends. You and Derek, seriously you are like my best friends. I didn't know that it was going to turn of this way back then. I'm sorry. Derek is too. Talk to him Mer. "

I break away from him and hastily wipe my eyes.

"I- I can't right now. Maybe.. Maybe some when I'll be ready. But right now, neither of you have a right to ask me that. Goodbye Mark." I walk out of the bar and into the rain.

"Hey Mer." Cristina calls out. I look up and smile at her.

"Hi." I whisper faintly. She pulls away from Burke, the attending, yes, who is now her boyfriend.

"What's up?" she asks.

"Derek's married."

"McBastard!" she exclaims, she looks up at Burke and I see him nod. "Come on Mer, you are coming home with us."

I let them lead me to their car and flop into the back seat next to Cristina. Something about my pitiful appearances breaks her and she pulls me too her in a one armed hug.

"You know technically that is a hug?" I ask smiling.

"Shut up." She replies, Burke and me laugh at her.

"Thank you." I whisper so only she can hear.

"You're my person." Is her only reply.


	14. Make It Right

_**

* * *

**_

_**Every mistake I make  
From now on  
I'll turn around  
I'll make it, I'll make it right  
And every truth I fake I  
Might hurt someone  
I'll make it, I'll make it alright**_

**Make It Right by New Found Glory**

* * *

For the 30th time that night her phone goes straight to voicemail.

"Mer, I'm sorry. I won't stop calling. Not until you talk to me. Please. I'm sorry. Please, just.. just let me explain. Please."

I snap the phone shut and chuck it on the bed next to me. I hear the door open and lift my head to see it's only Mark.

"Oh." I say flopping back down and staring at the ceiling.

"Well, thanks. Here." He says passing me a bottle of scotch.

"Thanks." I say ripping the lid off and taking a sip.

"I saw her."

"Yeah..?"

"She walked away. She wants.. she needs space. We have to give her space."

"We?"

"Yeah, seems she's just as pissed with me as you. Apparently sticking by you makes me on the same side, we both lied in her eyes. And she's right. We did."

I close my eyes. "I just. I couldn't admit the truth to her. I was away from Addison, while I was with Mer, the fact we had no pasts, it made it easier."

"I know. I don't blame you Derek." He says putting his hand on my shoulder.

"This just sucks."

"I know man. I know."

* * *

The next day I drive in to work with Mark, I barely ate, quickly showered and couldn't be bothered to shave either. Sleep last night was a long time coming so I know that I look a wreck. Especially after Mark so nicely pointed it out when I opened the trailer door for him this morning.

I take the chart for my first patient of the day and walk into the room to see the bed surrounded by Bailey and her five interns. After a few weeks a intern called Alex Karev, who dates Izzie, was transferred onto her group.

"Morning." I say, my voice husky from lack of sleep, to the group. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Izzie and Cristina glare at me, but my eyes are on Meredith. Or the little that I can see of her since the two guys are practically blocking her from me. I sigh and turn to the patient.

"Who's presenting?" I ask the room at large.

I look in shock as the two guys stand a little further apart allowing Meredith to speak up only talking to Bailey and ignoring me completely.

"Martin Handler, 34, complained of headaches, brought in for a Grand Mal seizure last night. Scan show a small tumour on the frontal lobe."

"How do we proceed?"

"Further scanning before taking into the OR for a removal of the tumour."

"Post op?"

"Post op treatment of radiation and chemotherapy with 6 month regular check up scans."

"Well done Grey. Prep him and I'll see you in the OR." I leave the room before the interns can glare at me any more. Standing outside Bailey walks past.

"Damn stupid man." She says shaking her head at me.

"I know."

She whirls round obviously not expecting me to answer. Squaring up to me she says "Good. You better know Shep. Now, you better fix my intern or I will make you're life a living hell. You get me?"

I nod.

"Good." She glares at me. Her eyes soften momentarily as she adds before walking away, "Don't mess her about Shepherd. She deserves better than that."

"I know." I repeat, closing my eyes and leaning back against the wall.

I'll make it right. At least I won't stop trying.


	15. In The Morning

_**

* * *

**_

_**Out of the dark and into the light  
When the morning comes  
I will be alright**_

**In The Morning by The Coral**

* * *

I wake up with a hangover. Rubbing my face I roll over and over until my feet hit the ground and I push myself up from the bed. Pulling on some clothes I roughly brush my hair and pull it into a ponytail. Out in the kitchen I find Burke at the stove and Cristina at the table reading the paper.

"Morning Grey." Smiles Burke.

I nod in his direction and throw a tiny smile to be polite, I slump into the chair next to Cristina.

"Wow. Dark and twisty Mer. I like it."

"Ha." I say smacking her on the arm as Burke puts pancakes on the table.

"How are you feeling about work?"

"Dreading it."

"I'd put you on my service Grey but I already have O'Malley scrubbing in with me. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'll be alright" I shake my head. "It's not your fault that your colleague is a complete moron."

Cristina laughs.

"And call me Meredith."

"Call me Preston seeing as we aren't in the hospital."

I smile gratefully at my two friends.

After we finish breakfast we pile into Preston's car and ride to the hospital in silence. The whole journey there all I can think of is ways of avoiding Derek. But somehow I have a feeling that it's not gonna be easy to do. And when we reach the hospital I find out how right I am as I am handed a chart for a patient on Derek's service.

"Great." I say aloud into the locker room.

"What?" asks George.

"I've got Derek's patient."

"We'll help as much as we can." Promises Izzie.

"Yeah, if he says anything tell me and I'll kill him and make it look like an accident." Says Cristina making me laugh.

"We're here for you Grey" adds Alex.

I nod in acknowledgment, grateful for my friends. I pull on my blue scrubs and follow Bailey to the patients' room.

Derek enters and I'm shocked at how he looks. His normally amazing hair is flat, his eyes are dull, and he's got stubble on his chin.

"Morning." His bleary voice says to the room at large, and I hold my tongue against the urge to answer him, instead I step back and use George and Alex as my personal shield.

I get through the questions not looking at Derek, just speaking to Bailey, pretending as if Derek isn't even in the room.

"Prep him and I'll see you in the OR." He says to me before turning on his heel and leaving the room. I let out a breath I hadn't realised I had been holding.

* * *

In the OR I stand back from the table watching Derek's movement on the screen. He looks up at me and looks as if he is going to invite me over but then his shoulders slump and he just turns back to the patient.

In the end.. We lose him.

One minute he's alive. He's a somebody.

And the next.. he's gone.

"Time of death : 11:03" Derek's empty voice echoes through the room as he pulls his headset off and chucks it on a nearby cart. He looks at me before tearing his eyes away and walking deflated to the scrub room. I look around at the nurses tidying up before making a decision. I follow him.


	16. Nature's Law

_**

* * *

**_

_**Every day I fight these feelings,  
For your sake I will hide the real thing,  
You can run all your life; for mine, I will chase...**_

**Nature's Law by Embrace**

* * *

I lose the patient and my heart and soul plummet a little more. Walking into the scrub room I pull my mask down from my face and tear my scrub cap from my head. I brace my hands on the sink and stare down at the cold steel. The door opens behind me and closes but I don't move.

"I'm sorry." I say looking up. I turn and look at her. It was always going to be her that followed me.

"I know." There's no tone, no hint of any feeling, nothing. Come on Mer, give me something.

"I was going to tell you. I was. Last night. I told you, I said we should go to my trailer so we could talk. I didn't.." I stop myself mid sentence, changing it to "I never thought she'd come here Mer. I'm sorry."

She nods.

"I know Derek."

There's no reproach in her voice, just understanding. I nod unsure what else to say, and watch in silence as she leaves the room.

The rest of the day flies past in a blur. I save a patient, bringing my tally up to 1 and 1 for the day. Before calling a taxi to take me home seeing as Marks on call for the night.

I walk up the track and push my door open into the empty trailer. I flick the lights on and just lie on my sofa, eyes closed. I don't know how long I stay there before I hear a knock.

Standing up I pull the door open and see her.

Standing in the rain, her golden hair falling around her shoulders.

"What am I?" she asks.

I stare at her before replying. "You. You're the hope. You're what saved me. When my world was falling apart you were there. It was like I was drowning and you saved me. You were the hope. You are my hope. Because all I know right now Meredith.. is you. Addison doesn't even compare." I laugh at the irony, "My wife of 6 years or whatever.. she isn't even on the scale Meredith. It's only you. I've only known you a matter of weeks, and all we've had is a few goodnight kisses, but it doesn't matter." I say stepping out of the trailer and into the rain right in front of her. "All I know is you. All I love is you Meredith. I love you. And if you walk away, it doesn't matter because I will follow. Wherever it is you go, I'll chase after you. I'm in love with you."

I stare at her as she stumbles under the weight of my words. I have that effect. I stay closed up until something happens and presses the release valve and suddenly I let forth with all my feelings. I stand eyes locked on hers for what seems like an eternity as she weighs up the truth of my words.

"You signed the papers." Her words are so quiet I nearly miss them.

"Yeah, I did. She didn't." I reply.

"What happens if she wants you back?"

"The papers are signed. That life.. the life with her.. it's over. I can't forgive and I can't forget. If there was something to hold on to I would try. But there isn't. And I can't chose her over you. I pick you every time."

She nods, lapsing back into silence.


	17. Halo

_**

* * *

**__**And all we have to lose is time  
And what lose we leave behind  
Stay around and we will shine**_

**Halo by Oleander**

* * *

I look into his eyes the entire time he speaks. And now in the silence as we still stare at each other, the words echo in my head.

He loves me.

And then, before he knows it and before I even realise what I'm doing, I step forward and place a hand on his chest. I stare into his eyes and move, and then my lips are on his, and his lips are on mine, and I'm not sure who's in charge of the kiss. Or where I end and where he starts. We just are.

And I see it. The moment of perfect clarity. I pull back and look up into his face and whisper, "You'll choose me?"

"I'll choose you" he affirms.

Smiling I reach down and hold onto his hand.

"I believe you were going to cook for me and show me your trailer Doctor Shepherd."

"That's right," he says in a dreamy tone obviously amazed at this turn in events.

He pulls me into the trailer and lets me in front of him. Looking over my shoulder I grin "Cooking after all is the best way to make up for hurt. But it only solves part of it.. understand Doctor Shepherd?"

"I believe I do Doctor Grey. Making it up to you. Well I guess some kissing" he leans forward and kisses me deeply before continuing a little breathlessly "might help a little, and of course cooking meals, taking out on dates, movies, paying for stuff, it all should help I guess."

"Is that the prescribed cure?"

"I believe so."

I wrap an arm around his neck and he lifts me a little "I love you." He says staring into my eyes.

"I love you too." I say letting my lips fall to his.

We eat the meal, chatting gently over it. He tells me about his family and I tell him about my mother.

"No one else knows. She told me not to tell anyone. That's why I told Richard she was travelling."

He smiles and nods, reaching across the table to take my hand. "Thank you for trusting me." He says.

I smile easily. "As long as there's no more secrets I can trust you."

"There's no more secrets. I promise. Well, except the super secret silent surprise date for Friday night."

I nod. "Ok I will let you have that one." I grin. "But no more."

"No more" he promises, lifting my hand and kissing my knuckles.

We fall into bed a little later, just to sleep, after I tell him we're taking it slow. We just we're far too tired to bother trying to get me home. I snuggle up to him wearing one of his t-shirts, his arms wrap around me.

"I'm sorry Mer, and I really do love you." He whispers into the darkness.

"I love you too Derek."

* * *

The next morning I shower whilst Derek dresses. We leave the trailer and walk to the car, just as we open the doors Mark come down the track.

"Morning." He grins, walking over to us.

"Hey." I smile back at him.

"I see you've made up." He says pulling me into a hug

Derek just grins.

"You off to the hospital?" he asks.

"Yep." Answers Derek before he slides into the seat.

* * *

My face falls a little and Mark catches it. He puts his hand on the door stopping me from getting in.

"What's wrong?"

"I just. I have to go fight for him today."

He hugs me again, and lifts my chin forcing me to look him in the eye.

"He loves you Mer. You don't have to fight for him. You've already won."

"Thanks." I smile.

"No problemo."

"Sleep tight." I grin, slipping into the car at last.

"I will" he smiles waving us off.

* * *

"What was that about?" Derek asks as we reach the end of the track.

"Just giving me support."

"For what?" he asks, looking at me sideways.

"He said I didn't have to fight. I'd already won."

"Oh." Derek nods in understanding. "You have." He grins, before he reaches down and switches the radio on, letting the sound of the Clash blare out.

"Seriously Derek?" I ask laughing.

"Seriously Mer!" he grins amused.


	18. It's Us Against The World

**A/N: I love love love love LOVE the speech by Derek in this one. And this song.. it's perfection. Ahh.. Anyway.. enjoy.. you know the drill.. r&r. Noone has reviewed yet.. I'm waiting!**

**Take Care**

_**

* * *

**_

_**There is no one else that I can say this to  
And there is nothing better than to talk to you  
If you have a problem I'll be here for you  
'Cause girl you always know that  
Its Us Against The World…**_

_**There ain't nobody else but you  
That makes me feel the way that I do  
There ain't nobody else but you**_

**It's Us Against The World by Play**

* * *

We walk into the hospital hand in hand after lunch, I squeeze Meredith's hand as we both see Addison. We walk over, together. It's us against the world.

She turns to me and mutters, "I have to get to rounds or the Nazi will kill me."

"Okay, see you at lunch?" I kiss her cheek as she nods and I watch her walk away.

I turn back to Addison.

"Why are you here?"

"To take you back."

"No. Sign the papers Addison. Or don't. Really I don't care, because the divorce is going through. I spoke to my lawyer and he said if you don't sign within 3 months of my signing then it'd be court ordered for you to sign it. So either way.. its over."

I walk away, as she calls after me. "Derek, you can't do this. I know you've got even, I cheat on you, now you've had this little fling with the intern, but really, come home. Enough is enough. I'm sorry, you're sorry. Lets go home."

The whole surgical team seems to be on the floor at this moment, I look round at the shocked faces of Bailey, the interns, Burke, Webber, and Mark, who had the morning off but is back on for the evening shift with us. They are all watching the show. And Meredith. My poor Meredith stood like a deer in headlights, receiving dirty looks from the nurses.

I take a deep breath and turn back to Addison.

"No."

"What?" She's shocked. I admit it is something rare to hear. Me saying no to her, I hardly ever did in NY, I just let her do what she wanted, save the effort, otherwise it'd end up in a fight and I couldn't be bothered with that.

My gaze locks on to Meredith, I try and convey my feelings with my eyes, she smiles tentatively at me and stands a little straighter, I smile back.

"No. I'm not going back. I don't forgive you and I certainly don't want you back. I came here and I like it here. I like Seattle. It has ferryboats, I have a thing for ferryboats." I see Meredith chuckle at this and so does Mark, I zone back into the fact that this is a little show to the whole world.

"I know you want this.. this little show.." I spit at her, pointing around at all the onlookers, "But I don't, so go home Addison." I turn and walk away towards Mark, before turning back and saying "And for your information it's not some little fling with Meredith. I love her. And she loves me. We're happy and we are together. So go home and get over it Addison."

Mark smiles at me as I pass, walking towards the OR board, away from the crowd and the stares.

I stand typing in my scrub in times into my phone when I hear the sound of feet. Looking up I see Burke, Mark and the Chief walking over.

"Way to go Shep," Mark laughs. "Addison was not happy."

"Good." I grin.

"She had a right go at Dr Sloan here after you left." Says Burke; I see a hint of a smile playing on his lips. "Called him a manwhore."

"Was she trying to get into your pants?" I laugh at Mark.

"I guess, otherwise why compliment me? Maybe she wanted to make you jealous." I grin at him.

The four of us lapse into silence, staring at the board.

"It's a good board today." Say Chief.

"Yes sir," says Mark causing me to laugh.

"_Sir_." I mimic.

"Shut up Derek." He says nudging me in the shoulder.

"Whatever." As I am about to reply further my pager beeps. "Damn, it's a code. Shit." I say, hurrying away, "Drinks at Joes tonight?" I call over my shoulder as I go, Mark nods, the Chief shakes his head.

"Come on Preston," I hear Mark addressing Burke, "Come out with the lads." I leave him to convince the Heart surgeon and run into the patient's room, finding Yang standing over the patient.

"Push 5 of epi," she orders, looking up as I walk in and shoving a chart into my hands.

"BPs stabilising." Says a nurse.

"Good job Yang." I say as the patient calms. "We better scrub in, looks like his surgery can't wait, I'm bumping him up." I tell a nurse to prep him and Yang follows me out the door and into the lift.

"Nice work back there Doctor Yang." I say to the hard faced intern.

"Thanks." She grinds out.

"Are you OK?" I ask.

She snaps out of her trance and pushes the emergency stop.

"Right now, pretend that I'm not Dr Yang, and you aren't my boss. I'm just a girl and you're the guy who's seeing my best friend Ok?" I nod unwilling to provoke this beast of rage any further.

"Ok, so, I heard what you said, and that's great, but for me and Mer, well, life hardly ever works out the easy way so I'm telling you now, if you aren't 100 into Mer, get out. Now. Don't hurt her more. Because if you do, well, let's just say they'll have a hard job identifying the remains."

"Can I just say I am your boss?" she glares at me before I continue "But that doesn't matter, what does is that I'm very much in. Me and Meredith, the relationship, I'm in. I love her. I can't promise I won't hurt her, but I will promise that I won't purposely set out to hurt her. I'd never intentionally hurt her. I love her."

I stand under Yang's glare before she seems to make a decision she nods and grunts "Good." Before slamming the stop button to start the lift again.

The doors open and we step out towards the scrub room.

"And Dr Shepherd?" she says standing at the door.

"Yeah?"

"It wasn't nice work. It was great work." She grins cockily reminding me of Mark. Jeez. The female Mark. God help me.


	19. Flowers In The Window

_**

* * *

**_

_**Wow, look at you now  
Flowers in the window  
It's such a lovely day  
And I'm glad that you feel the same  
'Cos to stand up in the crowd  
You are one in a million  
And I love you so let's watch the flowers grow**_

**Flowers In The Window by Travis**

* * *

By the time Derek arrives for dinner I'm already seated at a table with my tray of food. He waves at the door before going over and getting his own tray of food, and then joining me.

"Hi" he greets me with his dreamy smile.

"Hey" I smile back.

We sit in silence for a bit before he leans towards me and asks conspiratorially,

"Is it weird that we're having a date.. in the hospital? Or even more that I'm getting turned on whilst on a date in a hospital?"

He says it with such a straight face that I burst into laughter, he smiles at me, intense pride on his face with the fact that he's made me laugh.

"Why Doctor Shepherd.. that's awfully unprofessional of you." I smirk.

"Yes, I do believe it is Doctor Grey."

We sit and chat for a while before seeing Mark come in, we wave him on over, "Are you sure you want me to join you? You look pretty cosy." He remarks, look at us, Derek with his arm round my shoulders.

"Shut up Mark." I laugh.

"I just saw Addison in the lobby, she wanted Webber to let her stay on now that her TTTS case is over, by the looks of it he's refusing."

"Thank God for that."

Were interrupted by the sound of a pager and the three of us look down.

"It's me." Says Derek. He stands picking his tray up and kisses me on the cheek. "I'll see you later. Laters Mark."

"See you."

"Bye."

"So it's just you and me then Goldie." Mark winks suggestively. I push his shoulder,

"Oh, that's funny. But sorry, I don't date outside my species.. Manwhore."

"Ow, that's cutting. You heard that?"

"I think the whole hospital heard everything Addison said today."

"Yeah, I s'pose you're right." He agrees with me. "Addie always did have a big mouth."

"Oh do I sense some history between you and the former Mrs Shepherd."

"I never really liked her. She always acted like she was to good for us. The Shepherds I mean. I don't know what Derek told you, but his parents were practically my parents. Mum calls me her second favourite son, after Derek of course."

"Yeah, he mentioned you've been close."

"Yeah well, the first Christmas she came to the family she just acted really snooty. She's the Ivy and the Shepherd, they are a good home cooked meal you know. She was too much like most of my clients.. focussed on herself and her appearance."

"Derek called her Satan."

"Oh yeah, she's a real bitch. I like you Mer. You are much more my sorta girl."

"I hope that isn't a line mister, I'm not above setting Derek on you to fight it out."

"As charming as you are beautiful, you're like my little sister you know. Like I said before you're my best mate along with Shep."

"Aww. You're my best mate too.. apart from Cristina and Derek obviously." I say hugging him.

"Well well well.. what do we have here? Is the slutty intern getting some extra time with the manwhore?" comes a snooty voice from behind us.

We turn and look at the smirking face of Addison.

"Oh, blatantly" I reply, "Derek and Mark are my men, it's OK though, I'm so good.. well.. I'm worth sharing." I wink at her.

She huffs and storms away.

"That was good! I didn't think you had that in you."

"Looks can be deceiving my friend.. I'd be on better form if I had tequila, but seriously, Cristina has been teaching me. I like it. Being harsh. It's fun."

"Well," Mark says standing. "I have patients to see, there's a surgery with your name on it, scrub in at 5"

"Sure!" I grin.

"Cool," he says bending down and hugging me, "I'm glad you and Der are happy Mer."

"Manwhore you are destroying your image of McSteamy-ness by being nice to me."

"What can I say.. you make me toxic!" He laughs walking away.

* * *

I don't see Derek until I'm heading to scrub in on Marks surgery and we catch each other in the lift.

"Hey!" I smile, leaning in and kissing him as the lifts is empty save for the two of us.

"Hi! I could get used to that as a greeting." He smiles.

"Don't push it mister. Oh guess what?"

"What?"

"After you left us at lunch, Mark was telling me about how he thinks of me like a sister, and hugged me, when Addison walked up accused me of being with Mark as well!" I laugh. "She seriously thought I was interested in Mark. I mean, I love Mark, like a brother you know. I mean, look at the other night he knew how to sort us both out."

"He's a good guy, my brother, the best."

"Well not the best" I say smiling up at him and pushing him against the wall. I kiss him deeply and pull back just as the doors ping for my floor.

"You're the best." I wink walking out leaving him breathless.

"We'll talk later?" He calls after me as a stream of hospital staff enter the lift with him.

I don't reply instead just walk towards the scrub room laughing.


	20. Too Much Brandy

_**

* * *

**_

_**Now getting to the bar's gonna be trouble  
So the Marlons'll have to be doubles  
Then you drink doubles  
The same speed you drink singles  
Ah beautiful, the barman holds aloft the crystal glass  
and I'm having all that's in the bubble in the bottom of the bottle**_

**Too Much Brandy by The Streets**

**

* * *

**

By the time I reach the bar I see that it's not just the guys, Cristina and Meredith are there too. I walk over and wrap my arm around her, kissing the back of her head. "Hi" I murmur, just for her. She turns round and opens her arms and I stand in between them and lean down and kiss her.

I pull back as the others groan and I laugh as Meredith blushes. As I sit down Mark slides a glass down to me. I nod my head in thanks.

I just start to ask Meredith how her day was when Izzie Stevens storms in, slams herself down onto a empty stool between Meredith and Cristina. As the two girls turn to the blonde, who has tears streaming down her face, I turn to the two guys and motion over to a spare table. They nod and we make a hastily withdrawal from the scene.

As me and the guys chat, my gaze keeps flickering over to the trio, and after a while we here Cristina say "You're getting pissed, come with us." And she practically pulls the blonde over to our table. The six of us all manoeuvre ourselves so we can fit round the table. It's slightly squashed but I don't mind as I have Meredith practically sat on my lap.

I watch in amusement as Joe walks over and places a round of shots on the table. Cristina picks hers up and grins at the rest of us.

"Right, for Izzie we are getting pissed. One because she's upset and two because I hate the crying so.. everyone drink!" She orders and we all obey.

An hour later everyone's a little worse of wear, but Mark and Izzie seems to have hit it off quite well. Maybe this is the kick he needed.

"Shall we go back to mine?" Meredith whispers seductively into my ear.

I immediately feel the affects of the word and hurriedly stand.

"We're gonna make a move now." I inform the table.

We hurriedly make our goodbyes and rush from the bar. Outside I quickly hail a cab and Meredith directs the driver to her home.

We stumble through the door. Lips locked in battle. And somehow we make it up stairs without killing ourselves. Which in itself is a miracle. Meredith stops outside a oak door before pushing it opening and stepping into the darkness.

"Are you sure?" I ask, hoping she'll say _yes_ but trying to be prepared for the _no_.

"Of course" she grins before tugging me in by our joined hands. The momentum moves me close to her and I lean down reuniting our lips in a kiss, lifting up my leg I reach out behind me and hook the door round a bit before kicking it closed. I lift Meredith up and over to the bed, dropping her on it whilst she laughs, before joining her.

"I hope this isn't the alcohol talking Doctor Grey." I smile.

"I assure you Doctor Shepherd it isn't." she sighs, smiling up at me with shining eyes.


	21. At Last I Am Born

**A/N: This is the end. It's been a long road. 2 hours of posting and editing.. but finally I'm here.**

**Enjoy.**

**R&R**

**Take Care**

_**

* * *

**_

_**I once thought I had numerous reasons to cry  
And I did, but I don't anymore  
Because I am born, born, born**_

**At Last I Am Born by Morrissey**

* * *

"Morning Beautiful." Derek's voice punctures through my dream and I open my eyes to find him looking right at me. 

"Hi."

A smile slowly spreads across his face as he leans forwards and kisses me gently. "Hi" he softly replies.

I move closer and rest my head on his chest.

"We're meant to be getting up for work." I feel his chuckle reverberate through his chest.

"Nooooo" I whine pushing myself closer to him.

"If you move now I think I've got time to take you to the RoadStar Café for breakfast."

And with that I'm out of the bed in a flash hurrying to the shower.

"Oh, cheers," I hear him call after me "Nice to know food trumps me!"

I retrace my steps and stick my head back round the door, "I didn't say you couldn't come too" I wink and stroll back to the shower stepping under the warm spray. I reach up to grab my shampoo from the shelf when I find a hand in my way.

"I'd like to assist on this operation Doctor Grey." He smiles at me.

I laugh at his corniness and wrap my arms round his neck, dragging his lips down to mine.

"I love you." I whisper pulling back.

"I love you too." He grins, flipping the lid of the shampoo. "Mmm. So this is what makes you smell of flowers."

"Lavender" I say.

"I like lavender."

"Oh shut up Mr Cheese!" I laugh before closing my eyes as he starts massaging the liquid into my hair.

Sat on the docks an hour later, our breakfast wrappers and coffees at our feet, I lean into Derek.

"What's up?" he chuckles as I hug him slightly longer and tighter than I usually.

"I have a feeling."

"A feeling?" he asks turning to my arms still round my shoulder.

"Yeah, I have a feeling. What do I do?"

"If you wait long enough it'll pass."

"You promise?" I ask looking into his eyes.

"I promise" he replies, tucking my head under his chin and pressing a kiss into my hair.

We sit for a little while longer before Derek turns back to me.

"You OK?"

I take a deep breath and smile "Yeah. I'm fine." And really.. I am.


End file.
